i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
