I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
