don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize