unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
