when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
