so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
