i permit you to call me
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
