go do what you do best...puke behind churches
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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