Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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