i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i already hear my dad disowning me
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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