just come out here and I will go home with you...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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