bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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