i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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