Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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