Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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