my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
