69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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