Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
