Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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