I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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