Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
