I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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