Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize