i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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