Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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