I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
oh god the rape fog is back!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
