if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
