If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize