Pappa wants mamma naked
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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