After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize