We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
