yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize