im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
