I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
