If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The power of my boobs compel you
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
