Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
