Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
