do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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