I'm lost and stupid without you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
