Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
