im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
