I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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