i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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