Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
