drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
