On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
