its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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