I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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