I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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