i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
