my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
