true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
