My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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