You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
