Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The uberlube is also flammable
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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