dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
