I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
