at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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