He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
