literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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