you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
